Exposure therapy.
You can be amazing in small circles. Brilliant one-on-one. The room leans in and people walk away different.
Then you open the camera and there's nobody in the room.
I've been in front of a lens plenty. That was never the hard part. I had something to be while the light was on.
In Human Design I have an open G-Center. The diamond in the middle of the chart, and mine is white. No fixed identity. I absorb the room and the people in it. My environment is Markets. Put me on a set with thirty people and I know exactly who I am. Alone, I don't.
For most of my life I got up and found out who I was that day by watching how the day went. I wasn't excited. I was disoriented. I had no language for it.
So a camera by itself is the hardest thing I own. There's nothing to absorb. No room to read. And this time I don't have a costume to put on first.
That's what sent me looking. Human Design gave me the language. The Cipher gave me the reflection.
So I stopped hunting for a fixed self and found a fixed hour instead.
Three pages. Purple ink. Every morning. The only place I can hoot and holler in cursive.
My journal became my GPS.
I wrote to an earlier version of me for months before I wrote to anybody else. Writing to him was practice. Writing to you took courage.
Words build a bridge. These words are the bridge from me to you.
P.S. I'm going to write you most mornings for a while. If that's too much you can turn the daily off and keep the rest, or leave entirely. I won't take it personally.